The Best Best Man
You've been chosen. You know it's an honor, an affirmation of your relationship with the groom, but what do you do now? Well, instead of getting caught at the newsstand sneaking a look at a bridal magazine read on. We'll tell you all you need to know.
The job is hardly as weighty or difficult as tradition has built it up to be. Essentially you're there to make things easier for the man of the day. You'll be responsible for a few of the planning and logistical tasks, taking some pressure off the groom and making the event run more smoothly. A large part of your duty is to provide moral support for the groom, perhaps to stay with him on the eve of the wedding and keep him out of trouble, and finally to put your hand on his shoulder when his knees begin to shake. It's important to work with the bride in this arena as well. Doubtless, she will have very specific ideas about your role, from your attire to your responsibilities on the wedding day. Be her friend too, defer to her, putting her mind at ease with your assurance that you'll do your best to make sure the wedding is perfect.
Before the wedding
As the Best Man, you are the king of the ushers. When you find out about your job, it would be nice to give the other attendants a call. Find out their tux or suit status. You'll be in charge of coordinating the attire for the day, which may include tux rental. If any of the men has his own tux, you might be able to coordinate the style. Tell the ushers you'll call them on a certain date (about four months before the wedding date) to find out their suit sizes. You can then report all the information to the tux shop in one order. The measurements you'll need are:
- Coat size
- Sleeve length
- Neck size
- Waist size
- Inseam
- Shoe size
About a month before the wedding date, call the rental shop to be sure your order is well underway. Contact the shop again a week before the wedding to make sure everyone's tux order is complete and ready. Each usher is responsible for the cost of his own tuxedo rental. It's best if each man visits the tux shop to retrieve and pay for his own suit in case there's a need for last-minute alterations.
In your initial conversation with the other groomsmen, you might want to gather some ideas for the bachelor dinner. As the wedding date approaches, enlist the ushers in the bachelor dinner plans. It's usually a good idea to hold this dinner well in advance of the wedding, since you will all probably need some time to recover. Make sure that you don't get stuck with the bill for this event, but also be certain that the groom pays for nothing. If you start at a restaurant, the manager will often be willing to set a fixed price menu for your party, and even make financial arrangements in advance.
Sometimes, the Best Man and attendants decide to buy a gift for the groom. It's not a requirement, but if you choose this path, as the Best Man you are responsible for gathering gift suggestions and collecting the money. It's also your job to purchase and present the gift. In your discussion, keep in mind the financial status of your fellow groomsmen; some may not be able to afford to spend as much as others.
The Rehearsal Dinner
After the groom's parents have welcomed the guests to the rehearsal dinner, the Best Man should make the first toast. You may be called upon to be the Master of Ceremonies for the evening, especially if it's a large event where the couple anticipates numerous toasts. If this is going to be your role, keep it light and be kind to the crowd by encouraging people to make their speeches short. Have a few ringers in the audience, people you can count on to give a toast if there's a lull in the proceedings, but be sure to warn the ringers that you may call on them. For your own toast, the rehearsal dinner affords you the opportunity to tell a personal story of your relationship to the groom and the couple. At the wedding the next day, you'll be more general, but on the night of the rehearsal dinner, let the groom and guests know why this relationship is important to you.
On the Wedding Day
It's on this day that you'll be the biggest help to the groom. If the wedding is taking place in the afternoon or evening, you may want to have breakfast together, just the two of you, in some neutral, quiet place away from all wedding responsibilities. Mention departure plans to the groom. Does he have his tickets, reservations and transportation in order if the couple plans to depart after the reception? After the morning calm, before you help the groom get ready, check that your responsibilities are in order.
Make sure you have:
- The bride's wedding ring.
- The payment for the celebrant, organist, musicians, etc.
- The marriage license.
- A pen.
- An extra handkerchief for brow-mopping.
- Ordered champagne to be waiting in the couple's wedding night suite. This isn't obligatory, but it's a winning gesture.
It's your responsibility to transport the groom to the ceremony on time. Confirm with him that he's allowing plenty of time to get ready. You may want to show up at his place half an hour before you're scheduled to leave in case he needs help with the ever-challenging bow tie. Aim to arrive at the ceremony location about an hour before the event.
At the Ceremony
- Slip the payment envelopes to the celebrant, organist, musicians, etc. before things get started.
- Make sure the groomsmen have their boutonnieres.
- Make sure they know which seats are reserved for the families of the bride and groom.
- Make sure they know that guests of the bride should be to your left and guests of the groom should be to your right as you face the spot where the vows will be exchanged.
- Remind the groomsmen not to lock their knees while standing during the ceremony. If the ceremony is long and the room is hot, it's easy to sway and stumble if your knees aren’t bent just a little.
While you're next to the groom keep an eye on him, especially if it's a hot day. No fainting allowed! Double check that you have the bride's ring at the ready. After the ceremony, you'll walk back down the aisle with the maid of honor. If the mother of the bride is without an escort, you will return to escort her. Before you leave the ceremony location, be sure that you sign the marriage license along with the couple, the maid of honor and the officiant.
Toasting and dancing at the reception are some of the Best Man's defining moments, but it is essential to keep in mind that the bride surely has very specific ideas about how the reception should proceed. Make sure you've talked over the reception schedule with her well before the wedding day, so the events occur the way she desires them to.
The bride's parents may wish to welcome their guests to the reception, and the groom to their family, but after that's over, you should raise a glass to the couple. Make sure enough time has passed for everyone to have a drink in hand before your toast. This is also the point at which you should read any congratulatory messages or telegrams from people who couldn't attend the event. When the dancing begins, it's more personal if the Best Man rather than the bandleader announces the order of the dances. The standard order is: the bride and groom, the bride and her dad, then you and the bride. Confirm this order with the bride. Now you can retire the microphone for eternity. Your speechmaking days are at an end, so kick back and enjoy the party.
Among your final wedding day duties is to make sure the couple's luggage is in the right car if they are departing directly after the reception. Ask the groom to double check that he has all his tickets and reservation info in order. Finally, arrange to have the car in the right place when the couple is ready to leave. Once they drive off, go back to the party and have another drink.
If the tuxes were rented, check that they are returned to the shop the day after the wedding along with any accessories. You should also take responsibility for returning the groom's tux for him. Now you are discharged of your duties and are free to go into the world a better man.
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