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It's
every parent's hope. "My child is bright. My child will excel in school.
My child will make me proud." Industries are built on such aspirations.
There are black-and-white mobiles to stimulate the senses and tapes of
Mozart for Your Mind. Later come investments in Reader Rabbit software,
encyclopedias and lessons to train every facet of body, brain and soul.
But a child's success cannot be purchased, nor, to the frustration of
parents everywhere, can it be wished into being.
What
does it take to make an excellent student? The student who not only sits
at the head of the class, but also enjoys the respect and friendship of
teachers and peers?
A willingness
to work flat-out is a trait found almost universally in the best students.
They rely less on native intelligence than on effort. They are hardworking.
They are persistent. School is at the center of their lives.
How do
kids learn this? Usually, it's having parents who show through their own
behavior that persistence pays. A new book by Judith Rich Harris, The
Nurture Assumption, has caused a sensation by claiming that parents matter
less than peers in shaping a child. Educators tend to disagree. The best
students have parents who have responded to their curiosity, nourished
and supported things they're interested in and opened up their world.
Good
students tend to have what teachers call a broad "fund of knowledge."
They've been taken places; they've seen a bit of the world. If the family
resources are slim, it might only be to the city park, a train yard or
the kitchen of a restaurant. But the experience has been brought to life
for them.
The benefits
of reading to kids may seem obvious, but parents tend to stop just when
the child's own ability to get through a book is taking flight. Don't
quit then! Some of the best readers and writers--even in middle school
and high school--have parents who are still reading to them. They'll be
reading Beowulf and Macbeth and just enjoying the love of language with
them.
Academic
competition can get pretty ugly, especially in the home stretch of high
school, when valedictory honors and college applications loom. Top students
tend to be competitive, but getting the grades is not what drives them.
The goal is internal: to do their personal best.
Research
suggests that when schools or parents put undue emphasis on grades, learning
suffers. A recent study of 412 fifth-graders found that kids who are praised
for their performance and inherent intelligence are less willing to take
risks and have trouble weathering any sort of failure. Kids who receive
praise for their hard work and persistence tend to blame failure not on
a lack of ability but on not trying hard enough.
Stop
asking your kids how they did in school today, and ask instead about what
they did. If you have five minutes, talk with your kids for five minutes
about what unexpected ideas she came across, or how he feels when he figures
something out. Help the child forget about grades, so learning has a chance.
Most
outstanding students have an outstanding teacher lurking somewhere in
their past, a teacher who somehow connected with them. If you talk with
kids, they will tell you about someone who has captured their imagination--gotten
hold of them emotionally and intellectually.
A 1997
study at Columbia University's Teachers College looked at the lives of
100 prominent Americans, ages 40 to 55, and found that those who had come
from disadvantaged backgrounds were especially likely to cite the influence
of a mentor as a key to their success. Sometimes a caring teacher served
"as a parent substitute". Sometimes the teacher provided an affirming
"turnaround moment," for example, by standing up for a child and saying,
"Henry wouldn't lie." That moment of validation, he notes, "transforms
Henry."
If there
is a rule on homework, it's this: let them do it in the way that works
for them. Not every child needs silence and a desk facing the wall. Not
every child can settle down to the task right after school.
Another
rule on homework: be involved, but not too much. Kids are not vending
machines, where you put in a quarter and then a certain product comes
out. There's only so much you can do, and then you have to sit back and
wave at them.
The same
rule applies to parental involvement with the school: be involved, but
make sure it's constructive. Parents of successful students are advocates
for their child but are supportive, rather than combative, toward the
school.
Not every
parent has the flexibility to leave work at 4 and finish up late at night.
Still, making the effort to be present for a child's victories and milestones
is vitally important. Parents must attend every event their child participates
in--back-to-school night, plays, shows, games. The kids will say you don't
need to come, but you do. It reinforces the importance of school. Just
as important, he says, is keeping the day-to-day dialogue going, no matter
how reluctant a child might seem. Teenagers, in particular, will seem
to push the parent away. Don't stop when your kid rejects you. Ask to
see their papers and exams. The initial response to questions like 'What
happened at school today?' may be 'Nothing.' You have to be persistent.
School is a very important part of their lives.
Can any
child be a good student? Assuming good health and normal intelligence,
the answer is probably yes. A great student? Maybe not. Some kids seem
to be born organized and focused. Kids blessed with these qualities may
have a natural advantage over kids who have to struggle to keep order--although
those who keep up the struggle will ultimately develop persistence, the
most valuable trait a student can have.
For parents
who despair of ever seeing an honor-roll mention, there is this bit of
consolation. Bill Gates was not a conventionally good student. Neither
was Thomas Edison nor Ernest Hemingway nor most of the world's truly creative
brains. But don't kid yourself either. It just isn't true that Einstein
flunked out of math.
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